I don’t know why, but I see my anxiety as an incoming tide–constantly swelling & receding. That idea kind of comforts me.
It didn’t used to comfort me. It used to torment me. I used to see it as some sort of defect–that I couldn’t ‘get over it’ + put it behind me. That I’d never truly beat anxiety. I used to dream of the day when I didn’t constantly worry, have regular panic attacks or stay up half the night.
As I’ve got older though, I’ve realised life doesn’t work like that. Life is a jumble of stress and joy, and ups and downs, and hectic-ness mixed with duvet days. It’s traffic jams, and stomach bugs, and bad nights sleep, but it’s also belly laughs and cups of tea, and your favourite song being played on the radio.
So the last few months, I’ve been really busy. I’ve been dashing from this to that, working hard, dealing with illness + my disability and just…overwhelmed. Every waking moment was somewhat tense. I was constantly focused on what I had to do, where I had to be, and to be honest, it was exhausting. I was holding myself together, just. My anxiety has been pretty bad. It’s not been the worst, just not good, if that makes any sense. There’s been a lot of tears, and deep calming breaths and whispering ‘come on, you can do this’ to myself. It’s been a little bit sucky, but I also know it’s not going to last forever.
The last few months of my life have been a lot. But soon, I’ll be able to take a few days off. The waves of anxiety will recede, and I’ll feel, well–more me again. Obviously, my life’s stresses are not ever gonna go away completely–maybe in a month or two I’ll be this stressed and anxious again.
But that’s okay.
It’s taken me years to reach this realisation. That anxiety ebbs and flows, and that I’ve just got to ride the waves as they come, be kind to myself, and be honest to my friends and family.
I posted a shorter ramble of these feelings on insta a couple of weeks back. In that post, I talk about oversharing on the internet. I’ve been on the blogging scene since I was a teenager, and I’ve shared some pretty personal stuff. But I don’t think we can ‘overshare’ about mental illness, mainly because it’s not talked about that often. I definitely have a tendency to curate myself, and my life, online. We all want to present a perfect image, but it’s okay to say ‘I’m not okay’. I know it’s helped me when I’ve seen people online talking about mental illness. So here I am, chatting about anxiety.