I’m not good with change.
I find it stressful and anxiety inducing and just, ARGHHH. I like my routine, my comfort zone–it calms me. Even teeny-tiny changes that shouldn’t have any effect on me whatsoever, sometimes induces a panic. I’ve been working on my change aversion recently, trying to look on change positively.
Because here’s the thing. Change, whether good or bad, is needed. It’s needed and natural and necessary. If it wasn’t for change we’d be living in a world with zero technology, a weirdly regimented social hierarchy, and worst of all, no wifi. (I shudder at the thought!)
Lately my life kind of stagnated. Last year I graduated Uni with a Law degree, and since then I have been lucky enough to work with children, which has being AWESOME. I’ve worked with kids since I was 18, and my mum has looked after kids since I was 2. But looking after children isn’t something I want to do as a career, and neither is Law. Plus, my hypermobility is kind of restrictive to the type of career I want to do.
I LOVE writing, I would write all day everyday if I could, but I also have other interests, other passions. And I want to have the chance to pursue those passions, along with writing.
So I did some thinking. A lot of thinking actually. And then finally, I came to a really difficult decision. I decided to leave my job. It was seriously bittersweet, because I love the kids I look after. But after we’d made the decision I felt this overwhelming sense of calm.
Change is good. Change is necessary.
I took a leap of faith, and applied for a masters. It’s in a subject that I am so SO passionate about, that I’ve wanted to study for years, and I’m really excited for the year ahead. I’m studying an MA in Historical Research and I can’t wait to get started (I’m such a geek, I know!)
So the past few months has been a period of complete change in my life. I’ve completely changed directions, taken a chance and really pushed myself to be the best me I can be! And although there have been wobbles here and there, I feel so good about this change.
And that got me thinking. Because Past Me would have NEVER coped with such a gigantic change this well. There would’ve been FAR more tears and sleepless nights. There would have been nail-biting and stressing, a nag in the pit of my stomach.
So maybe I’ve changed?
Maybe I needed the year after graduation to figure this out, to think really hard about what I wanted to do, to work a physically demanding job, to grow up and to get stronger. Maybe this whole experience was fate, meant to be, destined in the stars up above. Or maybe it wasn’t.
But the change I needed to make in my life was precipitated by the change I saw in me.
“You’re always you, and that don’t change, and you’re always changing, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” –Neil Gaiman